I've had a great childhood. My memories consist of early mornings playing YMCA soccer, spending lots of time at church, where my parents played music, basketball, homeschooling, etc.
My parents have sacrificed so much for me, and I appreciate that so much, but I've realized recently that along with my diploma, bitterness is something that I graduated highschool with.
Why was I bitter? Because my perception was that in my parents' eyes, I was not successful, and it seemed that the things I really was passionate about, like basketball and music, I couldn't succeed in. I remember getting told that I couldn't make it at college ball, because I wasn't good enough; getting told to stop singing/playing guitar because it didn't sound good.
I realize that this, in comparison to what many people go through, is a small wound. It's something that has festered in my heart though, and it's damaged me and the way I interact with people.
Some of the effects that I know about are that it is difficult for me to truly encourage people, because I was not encouraged.
I've had a me-against-the-world mentality since I came to college, and it's ruthless. It leads to hopelessness and despondency.
Bitterness has also robbed me of compassion. I've thought that because I have to make it on my own so does everyone else. If I see someone in need, my typical response, at least in my head, is that their lack of planning doesn't constitute an emergency on mine.
Bitterness is the opposite of grace; and God hates it. So do I.
I had a great conversation with Josh and Sarah Siders that joined in with the discussion I'd been having with God about this.
I have to release people who wrong me, or I perceive wrong me, or else it damages me and others around me. I need to reject the belief that they'll do it in the future, otherwise it turns into a reputation that they can't escape from(you always do that - or you never do this); and finally, I need to find my identity in Christ, not my parents. Like I said, they are great parents, and I can't have the expectation of them that they should be perfect. I need to ask God what he thinks of me.
Life is injurious.
Everyone needs to let go of something.
Forgiveness is a process.
I'm on that journey, and I hope that sharing this can help you continue, or start, down that road as well.
-k
p.s. shout out to Amy, one of the baristas at Radina's.
;)
